My daughter has just successfully put herself back to sleep after being woken up in transit from daddy's chest to bed. She did so by sucking on her fists. This is something the likes of which she only achieves at nighttime; during the day she is much harder to get back to sleep.
I should be happy about this, but I'm not. Instead I feel sadness because my baby is growing up already. She doesn't need me to nurse or sooth her back to sleep. So I roll over, curl myself around this sweet baby, and listen to her breathe and note all her movements. And I think about things like how she is such an easy baby, but i would love her just as much if she wasn't, and how I used to prod my stomach trying to get her to move.
She's my sweet sweet beautiful baby and mother love is a yearning that leaves me almost in tears at the most unexpected moments. I want to keep her safe forever but I can't and it kills me. And now I realize I want her to stay little while at the same time wanting her to grow up. It's a constant tugging in two directions. She's her own person and it shows, even now. She knows when she wants something. I'm in awe of her and I am a better person because of her.
I love her so much.
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