I'm becoming Catholic

After several years of learning about Catholic theology, considering the arguments, and deciding against becoming Catholic for one reason or another, I have been fully won over. I'm hoping to start RCIA soon, and I'm very excited.

My main reasons:
-The authority of the Church
-The historicity of the Church
-The authority of the Pope
-Sacraments
-Uncompromising moral stances
-Inadequacy of various Protestant arguments

In the near future, I hope to do a series of posts providing more detail on each of these.

Life as I know it

At the moment I'm watching a Glee rerun because it's on TV and it's mildly interesting. The Princess of Light is quiet on the couch for the first time today and I'm taking advantage of it. She's going between watching the TV and watching me type on the computer.

I watched TV very, very rarely until I graduated from college and was hugely pregnant. Then I discovered exactly how much junk was on TV- and we don't even have cable. Now I watch a lot less TV, but today was a TV-watching day. I got tired of reading about serious stuff online, so I watched The Tudors on Netflix instead.

This afternoon was hard. Baby was quite fussy and I was feeling very alone and a bit desperate. Then I realized that lunch would be more complicated to make than I thought, due to lack of bread, and baby would not be happy. It got better, though, and Tuxedo Dad came home between shifts after all so I got a little bit of a break.

I do love being Mommy, it's just hard when baby needs mommy constantly. I've realized that I won't be getting a real break for a year or two. That's okay, though. And the times where I end up in tears are rare, thank goodness.

In other news, Glee is actually rather interesting. Too bad it isn't on Netflix's instant play!

Fear

I worry, I weigh three times my body

I worry, I throw my fear around...

I wasn't always afraid. 

I used to enjoy driving around just for the heck of it, late at night, with the windows down and the radio blaring. I once lay down in the middle of a suburban street and tried to see the stars, and enjoyed the thrill. 

Now, fear is an almost constant companion. 

There's something about hurling down a concrete road in a metal box that is rather worrisome. Add in other metal boxes doing the same thing, and it gets worse. Add in drivers who stop suddenly or change lanes without looking or without putting on their turn signal and it gets scary. Add in curvy roads and overpasses, and it becomes utterly terrifying. 

---

Now I have a beautiful daughter, who steals my heart every day. 

I am constantly afraid of something happening to her, and I cannot bear to think about it actually happening.

So I check her breathing every fifteen minutes, and sleep with her in the bed next to me because I feel like, if she were to stop breathing in her sleep, I might somehow notice and wake up in time to save her.

...by the time I recognize this moment

this moment will be gone...

---

In the past, pastors have told me that fear is a sin. Fear means I am not trusting God. 

I don't know if I believe them or not. I only know that I try to give my family to God, only to snatch them back the moment we get on the highway.

I try to rationalize it away - there's no point in worrying because there's nothing I can do about it. My husband has this attitude mastered.

It doesn't work for me.

So I apologize to God, over and over, for being afraid. I watch my little girl sleep in her carseat and try not to think about what could happen. I try to concentrate on how we are safe, this moment. I live with the rushes of adrenaline. And I am grateful to my husband when he takes us on the side streets.

---

...and I will wait to find

if this will last forever

and I will pay no mind

when it won't and it won't

because it can't...

The world is a terrifying place. Bad things happen all the time.

Children die.

Children die in childbirth. Mothers die in childbirth. Children die in their sleep at four months old, and no one knows why.

Having children is not a matter of whether I can afford it, or whether I want them. It's a matter of whether I will be able to overcome the fear enough to risk it.

I don't know how grownups do it.

But I'm going to have to learn how. I have no choice. Somehow, with God's help, I will live in this troubled world and face each day with something more than fear.

...and I will waste no time

worried 'bout no rainy weather

and I will waste no time

remaining in our lives together

(lyrics from "Clarity" by John Mayer)

Sleeping baby

My daughter has just successfully put herself back to sleep after being woken up in transit from daddy's chest to bed. She did so by sucking on her fists. This is something the likes of which she only achieves at nighttime; during the day she is much harder to get back to sleep.

I should be happy about this, but I'm not. Instead I feel sadness because my baby is growing up already. She doesn't need me to nurse or sooth her back to sleep. So I roll over, curl myself around this sweet baby, and listen to her breathe and note all her movements. And I think about things like how she is such an easy baby, but i would love her just as much if she wasn't, and how I used to prod my stomach trying to get her to move.

She's my sweet sweet beautiful baby and mother love is a yearning that leaves me almost in tears at the most unexpected moments. I want to keep her safe forever but I can't and it kills me. And now I realize I want her to stay little while at the same time wanting her to grow up. It's a constant tugging in two directions. She's her own person and it shows, even now. She knows when she wants something. I'm in awe of her and I am a better person because of her.

I love her so much.